14. In Which Letters Go Astray, Huge Apologies to any Gay Readers and Someone Should Have Used a Condom!

Episode 14.

In Which Letters Go Astray, Sincere Apologies to Any Gay Readers and Someone Should Have Used a Condom!

Alice never received his letter. The following day she had to go to see the Headmistress with her mother and, in spite of all that had happened, she was allowed to return to school for the remaining three weeks of term. The Headmistress had held a meeting with all the staff and all, except one or two, had voted that the girl cold come back. Miss Shoreham, the headmistress, was amazed at the grief and sorrow in the girl’s face and decided she would talk to the mother and see if she couldn’t change her mind. It was useless though, the woman did not seem to realise how much she was hurting Alice.

Alice was glad in many ways that she could go back to school. Anything was better than staying alone in the house with her mother all day. She immediately went to find her friend Jane, as she knew she could tell her everything without the danger of it being spread all around the school.
Jane was waiting for her in the form room and almost cried when Alice came in as she looked so sad. Alice ignored everyone else and walked straight up to her friend.
"Hello Jane," she said simply.
"Tell me Alice," replied the girl. "You know you can tell me everything."
They walked out of the room together and went to a far corner of the field surrounded by flowerbeds and bushes. There Alice opened her heart and told her friend everything from the moment she had had walked out of school on that hot day just a few weeks ago. She tried to explain her feelings for she never hid anything from her Jane.

"I’m not even pregnant," she said, almost bitterly. "I came on today. I almost hoped I would be then we would have to get married. Jane, I hope you don’t think I’m horrible and cheap now I’ve had sex with Pete? It was so good, I can’t bear it without him. Last night I needed him, wanted him, so much. Do you think it was wrong to do what I’ve done?"
"No – of course not," replied Jane. "Oh Alice. I … I.."
Alice saw for the first time the worried look in her friend’s eyes.
"Oh Jane – I’m so sorry. I never noticed you were unhappy too. What’s wrong?"

"I think I’m pregnant," said Jane in a rush. "I should have told you before but I was scared you might think I was awful because you and Pete had never done it. It was about 6 weeks ago. Ray and I – well. My mum and dad went away for a night and he came over, we had some cider – you know. First I said no, and he went on at me and then I said I’d go a little way so we did and it wasn’t much good and he was miserable and I was upset. We argued and he missed the bus home, so seeing as Mum and Dad were away I said he could sleep in my bed and I’d sleep in theirs. Then in the night I woke up and felt terrible – well – all sexy, you know? I kept thinking about it and that I really wanted to go the whole way. I just couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning and feeling all frustrated – like you did last night I should think. Then suddenly I got up and went to my room and he was lying in my bed with nothing on and I was nearly sick with wanting him so. I thought he was asleep but then suddenly he said ‘I knew you’d come’ and he sat up and pulled me down on the bed with him – and that was it. And it was much better that time. Then not long after we went to a party and we both got drunk and I said I wanted him properly, not to bother with precautions – so we didn’t and now I haven’t come on. I just don’t know what to do. Please help me…." She finished talking in a rush, her eyes wide and frightened, pleading for help.

"When should you have come on?" Alice asked worriedly.
"About eleven days ago," she replied. "I haven’t told Ray yet, I just can’t." She began crying quietly. Alice put her arm around her trying to comfort her friend.

"It mightn’t be that," she said unconvincingly. "You can’t be sure yet. You must tell Ray. Perhaps he could get you some of those pills or something, I don’t know. Oh Jane, if only it was me, then I could marry Pete and I’d be so happy. I’ll die without him, I know I will."
"Poor Alice," said her friend. "Poor us. What shall we do? I’m so glad you came back though, I was getting desperate without anyone to talk to, to tell. Oh, what will Ray say? He mustn’t leave me, he mustn’t."
Alice looked across the field to the school. Girls were sitting in huddles all over the place, talking, sharing confidences but she doubted as if any of them were in such trouble as she and Jane. Paulette was walking across the field carrying a book. She caught sight of Alice and waved madly. She began lolloping towards them.

"She hasn’t got any troubles," said Jane quietly.

"Except that she’s a lesbian," replied Alice as the girl reached them.

"Alice," she shouted exuberantly, jumping up and down on her woolly, brown socked legs. "You’ve come back! Where did you go? Are you very sad? Is Pete in prison? Oh it must have been terrible for you. Do tell me." She sat down beside them and began to hug the girl. Alice gently but firmly pushed her slightly away.
"All right. Stop mauling me. I’ll tell you."
Paulette listened in raptures to a shortened version of the story. At the end she looked at the girls in rather a worried fashion
"Did you – did you go to bed?" She blushed. "You know, go to bed and be like you were married?"
"Yes," replied Alice calmly, her heart beating fast at the memory of his love.
"I couldn’t," Paulette shuddered, "Not with a boy. Ugh how horrible!"
"Oh God," thought Alice, "she really is a lesbian – and she probably doesn’t even know that they exist, or what they are. How can we tell her?"
"It’s not horrible, it’s wonderful, the most wonderful thing that could ever happen." That was Jane speaking.
"Oh – you too," said Paulette. "Boys frighten me, scare me. I don’t mind talking to them but – anything else would make me feel sick."
"Some people feel like that," Alice told her. "You can’t help it, it’s not your fault – don’t ever think it’s your fault – ". She broke off, wondering what had made her say so much.
"Go away now, we want to be alone and talk. Just go and be yourself, but leave us – we are so unhappy."
Paulette got to her feet.
"I’m sorry you’re unhappy," she said seriously. "I don’t understand you – anyone really. I’m glad I’m not like you. Stockings, make-up, boys – and still you’re unhappy."
"But we’ve been happy," Jane said seriously. "Happier than you’ll ever be. Don’t ask us to explain but you’ll find out one day – soon I think."
Paulette looked at them puzzled and then walked away. She couldn’t understand them, or anyone for that matter. All they ever thought about was boys and clothes. She decided to go over to the Junior school. The Juniors were much nicer to her, they still played games and held her hands. They were fun to be with and didn’t go on about boys all the time.
They watched her go silently.
"We might be miserable and unhappy," said Alice at last "but at least we’re normal."

***

Pete gave the letter to a boy who worked in Stroud,
giving him instructions to give it to a High School girl, and telling him that it was very important. The boy carried out these instructions and passed the letter to a girl called Stella who then completely forgot about it until the end of the day. She went quickly over to the 5^th Year’s form room where she found to her dismay that Alice had gone.

"I’ll take it" said a small dark girl called Nina. "I live near her."
With a sigh of relief Stella handed the letter over. Nina always caught the bus home whereas Alice often walked to save money. On the bus, Nina saw to her pleasure, was Alice’s mother. Now she would not have to walk all the way over to Alice’s house with the letter. She pulled it from her pocket.
"Hello Mrs Greenway. I’ve got a letter for Alice. Bet you’re glad she’s home at last?"
"Oh, hello Nina. A letter – why thank you. Yes, it’s good to have her back, away from that boy." She looked at the envelope and saw it was in Pete’s handwriting. She was furious and her hand trembled. When the girl had moved away and sat down she eagerly tore open the letter and began to read it.
‘My most darling Alice,’ she read. ‘I am missing you so much it is unbearable and because of it I have done something terrible that will hurt you very much and I pray you will forgive me. Last night I wanted you so much I couldn’t think about sleep so I went out to the Ace where I met Miff and everyone. They bought me some drinks and then George got out a load of French Blues, he was selling them for a shilling each. I thought maybe they would help, stop me thinking all the time. So I had a few. Next thing I know I wake up in bed with this ugly dyed blond slut. I just can’t tell you how terrible I felt when I realised what had happened. I just can’t remember anything after taking the Blues. I felt so guilty that I started taking it out on the girl, lashed out at her and cursing her. I felt so dirty and disgusting.
Please, please forgive me my Alice. I could kill myself for hurting you so. I am longing for you now, and will go on doing so until I have you back, loving me once again. If you forgive me write straight back and tell me so. Send the letter to Miff. I’m sorry, very, very sorry believe me. I hope so much you’ll forgive me. Don’t let it hurt you, I would never, ever have gone near her in my right mind. I don’t know how or why I ended up there and feel terrible about it as you can imagine.
I love you Alice, believe me, whatever happens we’ll make it. I know we will.
With all my love. Pete.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx’

Mrs Greenway read the letter through twice and then crumpled it up viciously.
"I love you Alice" she whispered sarcastically. "She’ll never know. It’s better for her not to get it. He’s no good, this letter proves it. Drugs, drink, prostitutes – Alice needs someone better than that." She was about to tear the letter apart but thought better of it and thrust it into the bottom of her large, brown leather handbag. She felt very satisfied with herself but to her annoyance there was a slight feeling of unease which spoilt everything. She tried to dismiss it lightly but it would not go. The letter had somewhat disturbed her for the very fact that Pete had written to Alice about what had happened showed how much faith they had in each other. She felt slightly uneasy and not so sure of herself.

***

Three slow, agonising days passed. Alice hardly ate or slept and seemed to do nothing but cry. Every night she sobbed her heart out, prayed frantically and burned with desire for Pete. She went for long walks through the woods and fields where she could obtain a trace of comfort from the friendly trees and waving grasses. She could not get in touch with Pete, not being able to write to his home and not knowing anyone else’s address. She met no-one who could pass on a message to him. The hours dragged past, long and lonely.

*******

Pete waited impatiently for her letter, which never came. Each morning he rushed down to Miff’s house before work and every morning Miff regretfully shook his head.
"Sorry Pete. No letter today."
Now he had to somehow accept the truth. She had not forgiven him. She did not want him anymore because of what he had done. There had been four opportunities in which to write and she had not taken any of them. He could not take in what had happened. Memories of her soft whispered words of love in the night came flooding back to him; her fiery kisses and freely given love, surely she had not just suddenly stopped loving him. He could not accept it but it must be true. He looked at Miff hopelessly; still no letter.
"I’m – I’m going," he said. "Bye Miff, I’ve got to get away."

He turned and walked blindly down the street, angrily shaking the tears from his eyes. Instead of going to work he returned home, let himself in and packed a few clothes into a bag. He then wrote a note to his parents.
"Please don’t call the police in. I haven’t run away again. I just have to go someplace to forget somehow. I don’t think Alice has forgiven me for something I did. I can’t tell you what. It was terrible. But I have to go away. When I’ve forgotten, I’ll come back.
Pete."
He left the note on the on the table and wrote a short letter to Alice to what he thought was Jane’s address.
Out on the street he viciously started up the scooter and drove recklessly away.

***

"Alice, Alice," Jane called excitedly as soon as she saw her friend. She had been waiting at the school gates for her with the letter. "A letter from Pete for you." She waved the little white envelope in the air. Alice gasped and came running to her, snatching the envelope and immediately tearing it open.

"My dearest, darling Alice,
I couldn’t really expect you to forgive me I suppose – but I had hoped so much you would. I thought our love was strong enough to survive anything. I wish – oh God, how I wish, I had never taken those fucking pills, then I would still have your love. It has been agony waiting for a letter with your forgiveness in it – but now I realise it will never come so I am going away. When you read this I will be somewhere else, don’t know where, trying to forget you. Maybe it’s better this way but it hurts me so. I love you and think I always will.
Pete."

Alice’s face drained of blood.
"What – what?" she murmured, swaying a little. "I don’t understand."
Jane took the letter from her and read it.
"What does he mean?" she asked, puzzled.
"Gone – gone? But I – no, no, no!" cried Alice suddenly, the realisation that he had gone sweeping over her. She fell limply against Jane, who helped her to the cloakroom where she sat talking almost incoherently to herself. Eventually they went to the form room
"What’s wrong Alice?" asked Caroline.
"Leave her alone," advised Jane. "She’s had a letter from Pete, a weird letter. We don’t understand it."
"Letter?" said Nina. "Oh, that reminds me, did you get the letter he sent you the other day?"
"Other letter?" cried Alice, grabbing hold of the girl. "What other letter?"
"From Pete. I gave it to your mum on the bus," the girl said, struggling from Alice’s grasp.
"You gave it to my mum? Oh no, no! She wouldn’t give it to me. She hates him. Oh God, what happened that I had to forgive. Pete, Pete I forgive you. Where are you, where have you gone. Jane help me, I can’t bear it, please please help me." Helplessly the girls of the fifth form stood watching the sobbing girl.

to be continued...................